Tom Brady was probably clapping with two hands all giddy-like this morning, because Gisele Bundchen served him a very special victory cheat meal of organic, gluten-free, sugar-free, carb-free wheatgrass pancakes lightly sweetened with a hummingbird whisper for being a very good boy and winning his sixth Super Bowl. But while Tommy B and the other Patriots are happy about the game, many aren’t, because it was apparently as dull and lifeless as Tom Brady’s dead eyes. And a boring Super Bowl game got a just-as-boring halftime show that not even a pair of sweaty man nipples could save. You know you’ve redefined boring when even my hard-up-for-man-nipples slut ass doesn’t get even the slightest tingle in the loins over the sight of man nipples.
While those of us who wanted to see some real riveting sports action watched the Puppy Bowl (which was more like the Noah’s Ark Bowl since it had kangaroos, porcupines, and a fucking capybara), others who wanted to fall into a boredom coma watched the Super Bowl including a sleep-inducing performance from Coldplay’s weekday matinee understudy Maroon 5. Some think that the halftime show was such a flaming dingle that it must’ve been produced by Billy McFarland and not even Andy King could save it by sucking some dick. But I don’t think it was awful, I just think it was boring, which is worse than awful. I was all ready to get into some hate-watching fun, but how can you hate-watch when your eyelids keep closing? The makers of Ambien are probably trying to find a way to put that halftime show in pill form so they can really rule the sleeping pill game.
The entire performance was a sad bowl of cold oatmeal, and they tried to flavor that boring mess up with lasers, flames, Travis Scott, Big Boi, and a half-assed SpongeBob cameo, but it was still a sad bowl of cold oatmeal. Travis Scott blew into the stadium in a CGI fireball, and the audience probably wished it was a real fireball so it could put them out of their misery.
Adam Levine tried, and failed, to bring some excitement and make fuck parts howl by stripping his clothes off throughout the show, and at one point, he was down to a hideous 70s motel curtain of a tank top and people on Twitter actually admitted that they have shit taste in home decor.
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