CRAIG BROWN: Lose a stone? Fat chance on a Deliveroo diet!

CRAIG BROWN: Lose a stone? Fat chance on a Deliveroo diet!

Corona aspirations . . .

YOU WANT to keep calm and carry on.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR keeping relatively calm and just about carrying on.

YOU GET worried every morning that the slight tickle in your throat is an early sign of Covid-19 and start to fret about whether cremation is better than burial. 

YOU WANT to sew your own facemask out of pretty floral material.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR purchasing a novelty facemask, complete with witty slogan.

YOU GET a one-use disposable mask and then use it 20 times before you come out in a rash.

YOU WANT to sew your own facemask out of pretty floral material. YOU’D SETTLE FOR purchasing a novelty facemask, complete with witty slogan

YOU WANT to cook Bouillabaisse.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR cooking Blanquette de Veau.

YOU GET a tin of Baked Beans from the back of the cupboard and serve it with toast.

YOU WANT to be Churchill.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR being Churchill the dog.

YOU GET to lead your country into the second worst Covid death rate in the world while making wisecracks about Calvin Klein briefs. 

YOU WANT to learn to play Beethoven’s Fur Elise on the piano.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR learning to play Happy Birthday To You on the piano.

YOU GET the first bit of Chopsticks on your Rolf Harris Stylophone just about right but then the battery goes dead. 

YOU WANT to lose a stone.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR losing half a stone.

YOU GET into a nightly routine of binge-watching old episodes of Made In Chelsea with a bumper packet of crisps, a cheesy dip and a bottle of Prosecco and put on two-and-a-half stone.

YOU WANT to end up with your face carved on Mount Rushmore, alongside Abraham Lincoln and George Washintgon. YOU’D SETTLE FOR having your face carved in a six-foot block of butter, alongside Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber

YOU WANT to end up with your face carved on Mount Rushmore, alongside Abraham Lincoln and George Washintgon.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR having your face carved in a six-foot block of butter, alongside Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber.

YOU GET your face on joke Halloween masks, with devil’s horns attached.

YOU WANT to look look cool in a facemask.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR looking happy in a facemask.

YOU GET a sweaty forehead and your glasses all steamed up and after two minutes you end up looking red-faced and stricken, like an early victim in a disaster movie.

YOU WANT a vacation.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR a staycation.

YOU GET a can of Coke and sit outside your back door staring at the clouds, trying to convince yourself sunshine is on its way.

YOU WANT to write a novel.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR writing a short story.

YOU GET down to writing ‘Chapter’ and ‘One’ at the top of a sheet of paper and then your mind goes blank.

YOU WANT the younger generation to think of you as ‘woke’.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR the younger generation thinking of you as pleasant for your age.

YOU GET called Fascist Scum for mentioning that you quite enjoy some of the early films of Woody Allen. 

YOU WANT to cycle three miles to buy an organic vegetable wrap from a local farm shop. YOU GET Deliveroo to bring you a 14in pizza with extra ham and cheese, and a side-order of chips

YOU WANT a discreet little lockdown outing to Barnard Castle with your family.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR being waved at by a friendly soul during your quiet little lockdown outing to Barnard Castle with your family.

YOU GET recognised and shopped to the media and before you know where you are you’re being forced into a Downing Street press conference looking shifty-eyed in the sunshine, struggling to show your compassionate side and gabbling your way through a hundred different excuses, none of them plausible. 

YOU WANT to watch all 431 minutes of the highly acclaimed War And Peace by internationally renowned Soviet director Sergei Bondarchuk.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR watching the BBC War And Peace starring James Norton and Lily James.

YOU GET waylaid by a box set of all 180 episodes of Desperate Housewives, complete with director’s commentary, actor interviews and goofy out-takes.

YOU WANT to cycle three miles to buy an organic vegetable wrap from a local farm shop.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR walking 500 yards to get a Greggs sandwich.

YOU GET Deliveroo to bring you a 14in pizza with extra ham and cheese, and a side-order of chips.

Source: Read Full Article