When you’re in a relationship, you probably want to know if you’re on the same page as your boo. If you’re starting to sense that your partner is keeping a big secret, it’s easy to feel uneasy. Of course, there is no objective timeline your relationship needs to follow. If your boo isn’t ready to share about the challenging things that they’ve been through, they don’t need to until they are. But if you feel as if your partner is actively hiding something big, it may be time for a check in.
"’Secrets’ is a very loaded word. As an individual there is no requirement that you tell your partner everything about yourself present and past," Joshua Klapow, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist and Host of “The Kurre and Klapow Show,” tells Elite Daily. "The more important question is why are you choosing to keep it from your partner? There’s a difference between not offering every detail of your life and purposely keeping something from your partner."
It can be hard to know when your partner is keeping something under wraps. Dr. Klapow shares how to talk to your partner when you’re sensing some skeletons in their closet, and the signs your boo may be keeping something big.
1They act defensively.
If you casually ask a question in passing and are met with a super-hyped rant, you may start to feel like your boo is hiding something.
"If your partner seems to be too quick to react to a benign question, If they offer too much explanation, too much backing you off then it is a telltale sign that they have something more behind their responses," Dr. Klapow says.
Your partner may be trying to hide whatever their hiding with a louder volume or too much explanation. Consider giving the conversation a minute to cool off, then try to touch back in a few days.
2They distract you by pivoting the conversation.
If you’re trying to find the answer to a question and your boo seems to always change the subject, it could mean that they don’t want to address the topic.
"If you partner seems to move you off a subject when talking. If topic comes up in a group and they change the conversation or they bring up a different topic they very likely may be doing that to keep you away from something they don’t want you to know," Dr. Klapow says.
If you’re out with a group and everyone seems to be in on a subject you know nothing about, consider waiting until you’re alone with your partner to inquire about it.
3They flip the blame on you.
If you’re standing up for yourself, or stating your own observations, and your partner shifts the conversation to be about you, it could mean they’re trying to deflect the blame or accountability.
"When confronted, or if you ask about a topic and your partner launches a verbal attack on you for no particular reason, they are likely doing this to shift the blame, focus and content off of them and on to you," Dr. Klapow says.
Arguments are common in relationships — in fact, they’re kinda healthy, but if the conversation begins to get out of hand, your wellbeing is most important. You can always remove yourself from an unhealthy argument, and reach out to friends or family who have your back.
4They take the opposing stance.
Sometimes the loudest person on a subject is actually hiding a secret themselves.
"If on social media, in groups, in person, your partner suddenly becomes passionate about a topic (i.e. cheating, stealing, lying,) and starts calling out everyone else- it is quite possible that underneath they may be hiding something," Dr. Klapow says.
Of course, your boo could just be super passionate about whatever it is they’re sharing about. But if you’re feeling the enthusiasm is really overcompensating for something they’re hiding, it may be time to ask them about it.
If your partner is keeping a big secret does it mean you can’t trust them?
Feeling comfortable sharing intimate topics with your partner can take time. What you may think is a "secret" may just be your boo taking the time they need.
"The more you know, the more you know your partner. However information can be shared and discovered over the course of a relationship," Dr. Klapow says. "Keeping secrets are ‘bad’ or ‘good’ depending completely on the intention ad what the secret is."
Your partner opening up about their own timeline doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re intentionally trying to hide things from you.
If you sense your boo is getting defensive, dodging the subject, flipping the blame, or taking the other side — it may mean that there’s a secret in the air. If you believe your boo is keeping something hidden, try talking to them about it and opening up the conversation. You deserve honesty and openness in all of your relationships, and that’s no secret.
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