DEAR DEIDRE: I’M racked with guilt after having sex with my husband’s uncle.
Then, instead of admitting I instigated sex, I panicked and said he took advantage of me. This lie has now spiralled out of control.
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I’ve had numerous flings despite being married four years because, although he will never admit it, I’m convinced my husband is gay.
I’m 29 and he is 34. We get on as best friends, but if he can avoid sex with me, he will.
When he’s around other good-looking men of his age, he comes alive and is all flirty.
His eyes follow these men as they move around and he regularly has to work “late”.
I feel trapped and know he won’t ever be honest about his sexuality because his family is very conservative.
I’m fine with all that and have never felt bad about my one-night stands.
That is until my husband spotted a message from his uncle to me.
It simply said, “I’m sorry. We never should have done that. Let’s try to be friends.”
I panicked and said I’d got a bit too drunk at a family do and he gave me a lift home. But my husband wouldn’t accept my answer.
So I lied that his uncle had “taken things a bit far”. Before I knew it, I was confirming he’d assaulted me and my husband was marching me down to the police station to make a statement.
I managed to stall him but now my husband has told his sister and the whole family are talking about my “rape”.
The truth is my husband’s uncle, who is 41, didn’t take advantage of me.
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In fact it was me who initiated everything, kissing and caressing him as he drove me home.
I am so ashamed of myself and know what I’ve done is wrong, but I don’t know how to put it all right.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Although you aren’t quite ready to admit it, you do know exactly what it would take to put this right – you have to tell the truth.
If you let these lies continue, several people’s lives will be ruined.
Can you honestly live for the rest of your life with the guilt of accusing an innocent man of sexual assault?
Tell the truth now and everyone has a chance to heal.
You say you are fine about being married to someone who is actually gay, but your erratic behaviour suggests you crave a genuine connection.
You need to talk to your husband and tell him you think he is gay.
Explain that you want to support him to live a more genuine life.
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You deserve the chance to meet someone who genuinely loves you, and so does your husband.
Talk through your relationship challenges at tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).
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