The Dating Diaries: My mum pimped me out


If you’re close with your mum, Gilmore Girls style, your nightly conversations will at some point or another consist of all things romance.

Questions may involve “How’s that boy you went on a date with?” “I know what boys like him are like, and you’ll probably catch something.” Yeah, Mum, feelings. And my personal favourite: “Whatever happened to [insert high school sweetheart]? He was such a lovely boy” while she pretends I didn’t cry my eyes out on her lap when we broke up.

Mums like to take a vested interest in the lads clocking up your personal time, because they might end up at her dinner table and she doesn’t want a “low life” sitting across from her. She’s a harsh critic but with good intentions.

Your only regret will be being single for “too long” because that’s when mums take matters into their own hands.

Case in point:

I flew home for the weekend and immediately Mum told me she’d found me a boyfriend. But it gets better. The best bit is that she offered me to him on a silver platter (I hope she at least got some livestock in exchange for my hand). Her justification was that he was recently in a not very nice life situation and needed a pick-me-up/feel-good moment and she thought I would be great for him.

That’s right, my mum effectively pimped me out.

And I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Mum: “I’m sorry life sucks, but you know what would make you feel better?”

Him: “What?”

Mum: “A date with my beautiful daughter, she’s single you know, and the biological clock is ticking.”

Him (who has never felt more uncomfortable in his life): “Haha,” *awkwardly runs his hand through his hair* “no, it’s okay.”

Mum: “No, I insist”, while secretly plotting to have grandkids in the next five years.

This isn’t my first rodeo though. It started when I was about 6 years old with a family friend’s son who was the same age as me and since then I’ve never been able to talk to the opposite sex without my uncle saying “Lillie and Ben sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G” along with a whole lot of “oooh’s” and “ahhh’s”. I’d blush my wee heart out and probably get some form of PTSD from it.

Maybe that’s why I’ve never brought a lad home?

Now that I’m older it can still be a tad awkward, but I’ve learned to make lemonade. At my Pop’s 70th my family tried to set me up with another family friend’s son.

“He’s an investment banker Lillie!”

“Look how cute he is.”

“He’s yummy.”

The whole “set Lillie up” situation took a bit of a turn when my thirsty mother, aunty and gay uncle decided he was better off as unclaimed eye candy, but once they were reminded they were in committed relationships and couldn’t possibly stand a chance with him, they did leave us alone with some mood lighting.

Sure, I might have been 20 and he 27 but I thought any boy who was tall, tanned and had a career was handsome, so I took advantage of the situation and practised my latest flirting tips (courtesy of Cosmopolitan).

When life gives you lemons, right?

If you’re lucky enough to have a mum who cares more about your love life than you do and pimps you out to her neighbour’s son, her barista’s friend, her doctor’s sister’s cousin’s son, or any other male roughly around the same age as you, count your blessings.

It’s not the best situation, but it does make for the best stories and who knows, she might land you a date with a hottie.

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